Comic Relief

GGNRA Designates Alcatraz Island as New Off-Leash Dog Area

(posted June 9, 2005)

In the wake of their landmark legal defeat in United States Federal Court on June 2, 2005, in an unprecedented move, the GGNRA invoked a little known and rather obscure procedure known as "Expedited Negotiated Rulemaking". The result: Alcatraz Island has been officially designated as the one and only off-leash dog area within the GGNRA.

When asked for comment, an unidentified GGNRA spokeswoman stated, "I'm glad that we [the GGNRA] can finally bury the hatchet with this small, but vocal, special interest group of off-leash recreation nut-cases. Although we still have a few details to work out, I'm confident that our proposal will satisfy even the most cynical of that bunch.". When asked what specifically these details were, she continued, "The CFR [Code of Federal Regulations] strictly prohibits public usage of off-road or marine recreational vehicles within National Park Service properties. Since we [the GGNRA] have absolutely no intention of providing transportation to and from the island for the dogs and their owners, that would leave swimming as the only option for the park-goers to access the Alcatraz facility.". "However," she was quick to point out, "this should not be a problem for all of those whining Crissy Field and Ocean Beach dog people who constantly complain that we are not providing adequate aquatic recreation for their dogs and themselves. And, as for those Fort Funston cry babies, I am confident that the former maximum security prison will offer all of the amenities of their little Doggy Disneyland!".

It would seem that this would be the perfect win-win solution to what has become a public relations nightmare for the GGNRA. After all, in the eyes of the GGNRA, what could be a better place to relegate dogs and their owners to than the former prison site, entrenched with the artifacts of restraining walls and bars, surrounded by the unforgiving and treacherous currents of the S.F. Bay, devoid of habitat, ignored by even the most strident environmentalist/conservationist?

But wait a minute. Hold the phone. We have just been informed that the Center for Biological Diversity has filed suit against the GGNRA claiming that the Birdman of Alcatraz was actually caring for Snowy Plovers during his internment several decades ago. It is the CBD's contention, therefore, that the entire island should be designated as a special habitat for the Snowy Plover. Never mind...